what not to do/say as a birth partner: midwife edition.

Birth partners can honestly make or break a birth experience. Some I’ve wanted to throw out the room, some I’ve laughed and cried with and some I’ve stood there in silence thinking you did not just say that.

I thought now would be a good time to divulge some of the many weird and wonderful things I’ve witnessed or heard from birth partners. Enjoy.

Contains reference to a mans penis.  I wish I was kidding.

I was once assisting a Dad to the changing room prior to attending his wife’s elective caesarean section. I explained that the scrubs were in sizes and that he was free to choose what size he felt he would need. He returned from the changing room wearing trousers that were far too big and a scrub top that was far too small. He explained he was comfortable and as a larger guy he was happy with what he choose. I said no more and I told him that once his wife was settled in theatre I would come and get him, so sit tight for now.

“Are you ready to meet your baby?”, the sentence that still gives me chills and the sentence that made him jump out his seat. We made our way round to theatre and he took his allocated stool seat right next to his wife’s head. Baby was born and as usual it was a beautiful moment.

It is procedure that Dad then returns to the ward to await his wife and baby just before the operation has finished. I told him that I would assist him back to the recovery ward and that he should follow me.

He stood up, not realising that his XXXXXXL trousers had gotten caught under the stool leg. With one swift movement he skanked himself, penis on show to the entire theatre.

There were gasps, laughs, turned heads and jaws dropped. Then a moment of absolute silence.

In an attempt to save the guys dignity multiple staff members surrounded him. It was a hassle to not only free his trousers but to also get his poor wife’s heart rate down as she screamed in disbelief at the site of her husbands parading treasure.

It was then that I realised I had not made myself clear.

The poor guy was bollock under the scrubs. Not a pair of boxers or socks to be seen. He even had a pair of crocs on that he had found in the changing room. I dared tell him that they had one of the leading consultants name written in sharpie on the bottom of them and had happily helped himself leaving his own shoes astray.

I can honestly say that its the first time I’ve seen a grown mans penis whilst at work. I make myself very clear when it comes to changing room rules now.

I once found a packet of condoms in a hospital bag. I held them up and looked at the new mum and dad. The mums jaw dropped so I assumed she was not aware of this essential that had made its way to her toiletry bag. The dad just replied “Here, you never know!”.

When a woman is close to meeting her baby there is a noticeable change in her behaviour and demeanour. Sometimes she becomes a bit more vocal than she’s previously been. I try to warn birthing partners that this might happen and to be ready to meet their little one asap!

My patient had reached this point and began to scream. Her beloved terrified husband held out his shaky hand as support and before he could even fathom what had happened she bit down and took a chunk out of his hand. We wrapped it up with wet paper towels so he could meet his new bundle then off he went for a tetanus shot and some stitches.

One of my important roles as a midwife is to repair any damage that may occur down below. Some partners stay next to mum and others I have to ask to move over a bit so I can see where Im putting my next stitch. I once had a dad who was huffing and puffing behind me as he watched me repair his wife’s tear. Eventually I turned to him and said: “Are you ok? You sound in distress!”. His fluent reply to me was: “Listen I’m sorry, but Im just in awe of someone who can make a punched lasagne back into a normal vagina”. On his wife’s orders he was removed from behind me and told to sit in the chair by her in silence.

Then we have the regularities:

I’m bored

I’m starving

I’m tired

How long will this take?

When can I go home?

What’s the WIFI?

Where’s my bed?

Can I bring in a takeaway?

As I sat in my own labour, perfectly perched in the Epidural position, my own loving husband thought it would be a good time to whisper in my ear “Here have you seen the size of that needle? It’s a belter. Good on you babe, wouldn’t be me”.

I have been subject to their lack of brain cells myself.

As a midwife it takes a lot to shock me. To this day nothing has ever passed the fact I seen a penis whilst at work, but who knows what might happen in the future.

If you’re going to be a birth partner in the near future, take note: The single hard chair is your bed, the tele doesn’t have a remote and yes you can absolutely bring in a takeaway. Enjoy meeting your new arrival and please remain clothed at all times.