toddler life…
I was ill prepared for the toddler stage, big time.
I mean, I don't know how many bogies I’ve seen in my almost three years of having kids. I’d love not to see anymore in my lifetime. Why do they let their nose get that bad? Then lick them as they stream down their mouth!
If I’ve not already put you off kids then read on but with caution….
The nappies. Dear lord the nappies.
We are toilet training my 2.5 year old at the minute. I can honestly say its going really well but I don't know why I was so shocked at the difference in size, consistency and smell of a toddler poo from nappy to potty. I swear the wee guy has bigger poos than me! I never noticed before. And what do we do? Celebrate!
YESSS wee man, well done look at the size of that poo! Say bye bye poo poo and flush the toilet!
NOOOO DONT TRY AND TAKE IT OUT! PUT THE POO DOWN! LET GO!
Baby we don't keep your poo poo ok!
Lets wash the poo off your hands.
*Mum sighs, Toddler Laughs*
My daughter, the beautiful little shite machine she is, poos multiple times a day. I wondered if this was normal but if you know her and have seen how much she eats you’ll understand. Now nappies are not expensive, but when you’re going through a packet every few days its all adds up! Who knows how much toilet roll I will need in this house soon.
Nappy rant over.
I know they are little but my two have absolutely no fear.
No fear for their own safety, no fear of heights or danger. I am constantly on edge. God forbid I try to sit down for more than 0.2 seconds in the middle of the day. They see my arse hit the couch and think “right, lets give the woman a heart attack”. They climb everything, find dangers I didn’t even know were a danger and fight like you cant even believe. My wee boy climbed from the minute he exited my uterus. I should be impressed but my heart is in my mouth all the time. He climbs onto my windowsills, tv cabinet, kitchen worktops and anything else that he can deem fit fit for ladder use. My wee girl has watched her brother conquer such tasks and decides she wants to copy. My neighbour has text me multiple times saying “Kerr is at the window with no clothes on again”. Which leads me to my next point.
They absolutely love being naked.
I can have the most beautiful outfits on them but nope, they are either dirty or off at the nearest opportunity. I have chased my son about our back garden multiple times begging him to put his penis away. My neighbours really must hear me and think what on earth is happening in that house!
I wish I had their energy.
We could have a 5am rise and they are undefeated until their 7pm bedtime. I look like deaths door and they could run a marathon. They run, jump and skip to everything, dance during mealtimes and could play on our trampoline 24 hours a day. Sometimes I sit and watch just how much they can get up to in a 5 minute period.
Silence is not golden.
Be concerned if you hear nothing. I would rather hear them screaming at each other or crying because I would know that they are fine. Silence on the other hand means they are up to something. I’ve walked into pen on my walls, pee on my carpet and even Kerr feeding Alba a tub of bubbles. Trust no one.
I need an endless supply of Calpol and Arnica.
Little germ breeding injury prone nutters. We haven’t been cold free since 700BD and I’ve never seen them without a bruise or a graze from their antics. I am constantly explaining to the nursery, friends and family why they have a dinosaur plaster on their head or why I need more Calpol from anyone at a supermarket. I get shivers every time I smell it now.
My youngest is saying a few words here and there but she understands everything I say to her, she just chooses to ignore it. She is so cheeky. Girl drama is a whole new level. My wee boy either cries or has a tantrum but gets up and on with it. Alba, ooaaaaft. She gives me the eyebrows, the finger and the attitude. She’s learned to hold her hand up and say STOP and she even does it when I’m mid telling her off. She will have a tantrum, then pretend to cry, take herself off to a corner and bang her head on it, give me attitude and then avoid me for the next 15 minutes. Its like looking at a 2 foot version of myself and its terrifying. Every time we fall out my husband has the fear for her teenage years. It will be interesting!
I absolutely love our conversations.
This wee man that I used to swaddle and cuddle is telling me that I bought Lidl skips and not real skips. Its honestly beautiful.
Mummy listen
No I don’t want to but thanks
I dont like that
Mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy
I want ice cream and a sweetie
Another cup of coffee mum?
Go get it
You do it
Where are we going
Why
But why
A few statements from a 12 minute time frame in our house.
There are so many highs in our house and I love my children more than life. But I also feel it is important to be raw, honest and unfiltered when it comes to having toddlers. Again, I hope I am not alone and your house is as mental as mine. If its not, send me a DM for my address and you can send me wine, thanks.
Love, Emma.
A very tired, overstimulated, chaotic mum.