Completing Maternity Leave

A few of my good friends are about to return to work after completing their maternity leave. Each have mixed emotions. One is excited as she loves her job, one is dreading it as she hates her job but every single one of them is anxious about leaving their baby.

I remember that feeling.

I returned to work at 8 months postpartum with both of my babies. In some people’s opinions it’s too early and some too late. You will never know the right amount of time until it’s approaching your return date. You’ll know yourself if you need more time.

For me, finances were the reason I returned. We did not have available childcare and therefore had to put our baby into nursery 2 days a week (it was all we could afford at the time). 2 days of childcare was working out to be about £100 per week So I knew I needed a steady income to sustain it.

We arranged for Kerr to start 4 weeks before I was due back to work to ensure he was well settled and I had one less worry. He settled in no bother and 4 weeks flew by.

The night before I returned to my first dayshift I cried myself to sleep.

I put Kerr to bed as usual but whilst I held him the tears blinded me. I couldn’t believe that our time just him and I had come to an end. I truly believed it was the end of an era and that I would never get the time back. I was petrified that I missed his milestones because I was working and that he would forget me or be strange with me when I seen him. It sounds ridiculous I know.

My heart was hurting and I think I held him for an extra hour before placing him in his cot knowing I wouldn’t see him for 3 days.

12.5 hour shifts are really difficult with a young family. You can go days not seeing them and a FaceTime on your dinner break can be a blessing or cause carnage at home. Some days it was easier on Callum if I didn’t phone home to save the meltdown.

There would be days I would have Kerr all day, work all night and be watching Kerr all day again. I lived on red bull, fresh air and his 2 hour naps during the day. It was so unhealthy.  Just to add to the exhaustion I was pregnant with wee Alba and struggling with my second batch of hyperemesis.

On that note, yes, I returned from Maternity leave pregnant. I swear I didn’t know and I still to this day don’t know it happened!!

My days off were filled with cuddles and family time. We made the most of our time together and I cherished the time with my boy more knowing it was restricted around work.

I came home from my first shift to a steak dinner, a glass of Prosecco and card written by Kerr (he tried) saying how proud he was of his mummy for going back to work. It was everything I needed.

My second mat leave was a whirlwind. I had a toddler to look after which was the biggest difference from the first. I couldn’t chill on the couch with my newborn on my chest, I had to arrange baby classes on days Kerr was in nursery and there were times I was juggling all of us being unwell and having to power through as these wee people depended on me.

It was a different ball game. Despite this I was so aware of how quickly the time could and was passing. My toddler was getting bigger and my tiny, fit in your hand, newborn was starting to get chunky and show her wee personality. I was blinking and my babies were growing. There would be times I would tear up thinking about leaving them. I spent very little time away from them and still do to this day. I know it’s healthy for kids to be interacting with other people, in different environments but I struggled letting go. Something I’m working on today.

The night before I returned to work for the second time, not pregnant, we had the loveliest family day at the park, a carpet picnic for dinner but again I cried myself to sleep.

I found returning the second time harder than the first. I had 2 babies to leave, 2 babies to provide for and deep down I knew I wouldn’t have another maternity leave.

The months following were incredibly challenging. I was absolutely exhausted and was at breaking point. I knew I wasn’t the best mum that my kids deserved and could feel my mental health deteriorating. Something I had never experienced before on such a level.

I knew things had to change. I tried a different avenue at work to provide a better work life balance but with such young kids it wasn’t sustainable.

With much regret, I have recently left my contracted position within the NHS and now work bank shifts to work around my babies. (Bank shifts are shifts that are uncovered due to staffing that you can choose to work at your discretion). This is an extremely uncertain and nerve wracking  financial time however my family and mental health has to come first. It’s giving me the push to make my business a success. Create a business that’s family orientated. S support network, a friends safe space and a relatable community. I’m excited to see where it takes me.

For those about to go back, you’ve done incredible. This is just a small chapter coming to an end but you have exciting times to come. Yes it’s incredibly unsettling and yes it will take some time to find your feet again at work. You’ll feel like the newbie even though you’ve been there for years. Embrace being around adults again, peeing in peace and having some routine to your days. Your baby will always need their mummy. That will never change. Be kind to yourself, you’re a mum now and your home and your family are your priority. I wish you all the best in your return to work. Remind yourself that motherhood is so much harder than your paid employment so this will be a breeze!!