I compared everything in my second pregnancy to my first pregnancy. My sickness, cravings, tiredness and even bump size.

I knew from early on that this pregnancy was going to be so different, before I even found out I was having a girl. I don’t know if it was running after a toddler and not being able to give the pregnancy my 110% attention or if it was just instinct.

I had a small bump from early on and it wasn’t very obvious I was pregnant. I tended to hide it as I didn’t want anyone commenting on my size, like most people do when you mention you’re expecting.

I was filled with anxiety the minute I seen the positive test, at every midwife appointment and at every ultrasound scan. I had the most incredible community midwife who helped me in ways I can’t even describe.

being a pregnant midwife definitely has its perks. I was fortune enough to be surrounded by midwives, doctors and sonographers who supported me, consoled me and helped me. I was struggling with hyperemesis and would be vomiting constantly even on shift. It was so pleasant….. NOT. They were on hand to reassure me and it was nice to rant to people who not only understood what you were going through but also could help me professionally.

At 28 weeks I went for my first growth scran. Callum was working and Kerr was at nursery so I headed myself excited to see my girl again. Unfortunately it was this scan that started the downhill spiral of worry.

My baby girl was measuring small and was well below average. A cry in the car, a cry on the phone to Callum and a cry to my community midwife made me realise there wasn’t anything I could do to change things.

I put on a brave face and kept the mood light when I heard:

Aww you’re so small

How many weeks are you? Omg you’re tiny

You’re all baby

You’re a lot smaller than last time

Are they worried she’s small?

Even though I could have cried.

I was scanned every 2-3 weeks with each being so nerve wrecking. None of them brought good news and the idea of being induced/going for C section early was mentioned several times. I was determined to make it to at least 37 weeks to give my baby the best chance. I really did try to take care of myself. Those pregnant with a toddler will hopefully understand when I say just how difficult that is. It’s terrible to say but my favourite time of day was Kerrs nap time. 2.5 hours of lying down, no interruptions, no cleaning, no tidying. I decided that that pocket of time in my day was my down time. I was struggling to eat without being sick and spent my day either sweating running after my toddler or lying on the floor playing with him. It was non stop. Every so often I would feel Alba kick and it would remind me that I need To drink some water or attempt even a cracker to eat. The days and weeks flew by and at 38 weeks I made my way for another ultrasound scan. This time with Callum. I was so happy to get to 38 weeks and I as finally beginning to feel better. I even managed to make it to labour wards Christmas Party a couple of days before! I was in my bed by 11pm but I was proud of myself for even making it out!

Before the scan I had this gut wrenching feeling that I would be coming home with a baby. I’ve no idea why. My mum and dad arrived to watch Kerr and it dawned on me that this might be the final time I see my wee guy before he becomes a big brother. I cuddled him so tightly and managed to hold it together until I got to the car. We drove out the street and I broke down. I was so frightened, overwhelmed and anxious. Alba hadn’t been moving much that morning which wasn’t like her. I thought it was as maybe the anxiety of the scan that made Me not notice but I knew I had to mention it.

We attended the scan and Alba hadn’t gained any weight from the previous scan 2 weeks ago. The blood flow between the placenta and Alba was also poor which is a concern. I was admitted to the Antenatal ward to be closely monitored before going for Caesarean section the next day. I had a previous caesarean section and the aim for this pregnancy, prior to her growth concerns, was to aim for a vaginal delivery. I knew this would be easier on both me and my family however was open to doctor advice if I needed it. When I was admitted to deliver Alba the ideal of induction was offered to me, however, a small baby on board and a previous caesarean section brought significant risks and I made The decision to go for caesarean section.

I barely slept because I was so anxious but I’m So grateful for every midwife that came in to see me before it was time to meet my girl.

I checked in on Kerr, showered and waited for Callum to arrive. When he arrived we tried to keep the mood light and I cradled by tiny bump for the last time.

When kerr was born theatre was silent. He didn’t cry and he needed resuscitation. (See my previous blog to fill in the gaps). I was petrified the same thing would happen especially with her being small.

The anaesthetist kept me so calm and before we knew it it was time to meet our wee girl. She screamed, and I mean screamed. She let every single person know that she was born and Callum and I cried with relief.

She was “petite but perfect”. The exact words we used to announce her Arrival To the world.

5lbs 8oz of absolute perfection. She was the image of her brother and it took me a while getting used to the sea of pink everywhere. She was born on the 1st centile and was considerably smaller than the approximate weight the previous scan gave us.

However, She done so well when she was born. She had regular monitoring, checks from the paediatricians and maintained her temperature. She surprised us all.

Less than 24 hours after her birth we were home and cuddled up as a family of 4.

I was extremely vigilant when visitors came. Hand hygiene, don’t attend if you aren’t well, don’t cough or sneeze around her and pick her up when we say it’s ok. This ramped up a level after Kerr was admitted with his 1st febrile seizure just 24 hours after we got home.

Everyone commented on her size when they visited. She did fit in one hand and it was funny to see people struggle to hold her without feeling that they would break her. Tiny baby was even too big so she wore clothes that drowned her until she finally fitted into newborn at 4 months old.

Alba is still small but my god that doesn’t stop her.

At 22 months she is wearing 9-12 months clothes and has wee size 4 feet. It’s hard not to hear her. She makes herself known and has already had me and her dad cringing at her “wee man syndrome” behaviour at her nursery!

She will grow up knowing she’s perfect in every way and whatever height/size/shape she is does not define her.

The next time you are speaking to a pregnant woman please be mindful that she might be subconsciously worried about her size. That she might already be having regular scans and check ups. She might know her bump “is small” and is already worried about the comments and looks. So be kind.

You look great

Are you ready for baby

Do you know what you’re having

Can I help you with anything

Are all acceptable questions.

The same should be said for all pregnant women. It is not our business to comment on their size or what we should be doing to help.

“Pregnancy is a time where your body becomes a public exhibit, and everyone has an opinion on how you should be taking care of it” - Tina Fey

Our wee Alby, the smallest person but the biggest boss of the Croughan household.