the emotional ‘happy birthday’.

I’ve always hated my own birthday. The dread of turning another year older. This year in particular was brutal, I turned 30. Its disgusting really. However I get so excited for other peoples birthday! I knew I would be excited for Kerr turning 1 but I had no idea that I would feel so emotional about it.

When Kerr turned 1 we were so busy.

We had arranged to go to CBeebies land the week before and got married the week after. It was intense. I hadn’t thought much about him turning 1 but knew it would the wee guy would be buzzing.

I arranged for close friends and family to come and celebrate with him, However, once we sang happy birthday I had to go and compose myself. I felt my lip go, a lump In my throat and I knew I was going to cry. I just couldn’t believe how quickly the last year had went and that I was holding my baby boy who was now 1. 365 days of parenting. The hardest year of my life.

I was pregnant at the time so thought it was just hormones but every birthday since I’ve cried. Literally.

The full day also took me back to a year ago when I gave birth to him. What I was doing at that specific time 365 days ago. Who we had phoned to let them know that he had arrived and what pictures we took! I also remember the exhaustion and thinking “I can’t wait for a rest”. I’m still as exhausted 3.5 years later.

It was the most terrifying, emotional and incredible day of my life. When he was born there was a moment of uncertainty. A prolonged period of silence and a lot of tears between Callum and I. An induction turned emergency section turned an unwell newborn. We really didn’t know what the outcome was going to be or how effected our little boy would be from his birth. His birthday was a moment of excitement and relief if I’m honest. We rose a glass (non alcoholic for me) at the end of the day for keeping him alive for a whole year!

Fast forward and today we celebrated Alba turning 2.

Our feisty little miracle. Callum could hold her in 1 hand when she was born. A tiny 5lbs 8oz wee dolly. I get more emotional for Albas birthday than Kerrs and that’s not because I treat them any different. It’s because it takes me back to how worried I was about both of them when I gave birth to Alba. I left the house for an ultrasound scan knowing I wouldn’t be coming home to kerr that night. His whole wee world turned upside down in an instant. I was worried how I would manage 2 babies so close in age whilst recovering from my second C section. I was worried that Alba would struggle once she was born even more so than she did during pregnancy. Severe intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), placental insufficiency, amniotic fluid concerns and a planned C section was a pretty high risk case. I was so worried about loving another baby as much as I loved Kerr. I was consoled by my family, friends and my work family right up until the second she was born.

She was born and shocked us all. We had months and months of worry and she when she was born she screamed and made us all feel dramatic. We spent less than 24 hours in the hospital and got home to being a family of 4. Someone once said to me “When you have another baby your heart doesn’t run out of room, it doubles in size”, something I’ll never forget.

The first few years of your kids lives really do fly in. You don’t believe it until you’re in it. The short days long nights pass and before you know it they are a month older. Then they turn a year and then you forget how many months old they are. They go from 16 months to “nearly 2”, then “3 and a half”. It’s crazy. So, if you’re like me and tear up at your baby’s birthday just remember that other parents feel the same. Raising kids is a journey of highs and lows. It’s bloody hard. But do me a favour and take a minute to soak it all in. Cry, laugh and take pictures. You’ll look back and wonder where the time has went. But before you know it you’ll have a collection of birthday pictures and here you can see just how quickly they’ve grown. 5 birthdays later and I wonder how my phone memory will cope with the pictures I take!

I have a 3 and a half year old and a 2 year old. I have no idea how it has happened. I doubt I’ll ever not be emotional on their birthdays. Part of me is grieving the time that has passed, the fact I have kids and not babies anymore and the overwhelming feeling of how proud I am. One thing I do know is how lucky I am to have these wee people in my life. They made me mummy and it’s my favourite unpaid job in the world!

So here’s to the next emotional happy birthday. Another year of making memories, sleepless nights and family time. Life is too short and i’m here to soak it all in.

Happy 2nd Birthday Alba Isla Croughan.

Our petite but perfect crackpot. The boss of our house and the most adorable wee drama queen.

You completed our family in ways we never knew we needed.

We love you Alby!