My unplanned pregnancy
I’ve mentioned before that Alba was a surprise. Kerr was 8 months old, I had just returned to work and we were starting to get a routine on the go. I can hand on heart say i was dreading to look at the pregnancy test. The reason for this is because I know it wouldn’t be the same reaction, thoughts, feelings that I had when I found out about Kerr. The test was positive and my heart sank. Not at the thought of another beautiful baby, but with everything else that came with that. Financially, I’ve just returned to work and I now pay for a private nursery. Emotionally, how can my heart physically love another baby as much as it does Kerr. Physically, I was just about recovering from my C section where I had multiple wound infections.
I was scared to tell people as I knew what their questions or statements would be. For example:
“Have you not got a tv?’
‘You’re mental”
“You will have your hands full”
“2 under 2, Jesus that’s rough”
(All of the above were my top 4 regular statements!)
When Inside I was absolutely bricking it. I just wanted someone to tell me everything would be fine and that it will be a breeze - maybe I am mental.
Once everyone knew and the shock had settled the excitement and preparation started. Apart from me! We found out she was a girl and I’ve still not taken my jaw off the floor. Now I needed to be girly? Do her hair? All I do with mine is maw bun it. I can’t do that to the poor wain! (For those of you who have seen Alba recently, you’ll have seen the pineapple ponytail she wears. Im getting there - no judgement). They were different season babies meaning I needed new clothes, different sizes, smaller nappies, double the amount of wipes. The mental list kept getting bigger and bigger. I was not prepared for what was about to come!
I was in complete denial. I almost went into autopilot mode. I took the vitamins, I attended all the appointments, scans as you would do. But I just couldn’t quite get my head around that there was a baby growing under this tiny bump I had. Her nursery lay as a storage room for a lot longer than it should and my hospital bag did not get packed until the very last minute.
What I did underestimate, was pregnancy with a toddler. Kerr is such an energetic wee boy and does not stop. I spent a lot of time down at his level sitting on the floor, not good for my pelvis, and carrying him, not good for my back. I done what I could for an easy life and to make Kerr happy. Even though I was vomiting throughout the day and worrying constantly about how his little life was going to change!
The mum guilt became something else. He was so young but I would sit and watch him playing on his own, content and in his little imagination, wondering how another little human will fit into his life. I worried that he wouldn’t like her, would get jealous and feel I don’t love him anymore. I look back now and know I would feel exactly the same if Alba was a planned or unplanned pregnancy.
I feel so guilty looking back because I thought of her pregnancy as so negative for so long. Full of worry, anxiety, uncertainty and sympathy for Kerr. I always knew I wanted another baby and I would never have found the ‘right time’ for this to happen. So what I remind myself of daily is that little Alba was very much unplanned yes, but not unwanted. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t until I seen her tiny face, absolutely identical to Kerrs when he was born, that I was her mummy. We were taking her home as part of our family and that I had a baby girl.
This baby girl has shown me what my heart needed and wanted even though I didn’t think I was ready. She’s shown me that Kerr doesn’t need toys, tv, snacks or us to make him smile, he just needs to see her and his face lights up. She’s crazy, sassy and tiny and she has completed our family.
My two babies were meant to be this close in age. They were meant to have each other in life. I wasn’t ready but I had to be. An unplanned pregnancy does not mean unwanted. It may take you some time, or a long time, to get your head around it and that’s ok. Here I am, skint, shattered, x2 C sections later but happier than ever. I wouldn’t have it any other way now.
Alba Isla Croughan, you were the smallest baby who gave us the biggest and best surprise of our life! Thank you x