Am I a bad Mum?

This blog is a bit of an honesty blog. It is not for attention or sympathy, but simply to show you that life can be busy and sometimes a struggle.

I’ve never shied away from the fact that having my two young babies is a handful. I’ve been brutally honest about that. So here I am being a bit more of an open book…

I never planned to have such a close age gap with my babies but to be honest we would never have found the right time, if ever, to have another baby.

I have so much more respect for women who look like they have their shit together. Maybe I look like I do but some days I’m treading water.

I’m struggling with the juggle.

The juggle of two young babies who have the same but yet different needs, who can’t be left alone, who need me for everything they do and who need to be able to see me at all times. I’m struggling with the juggle of shifts. Being mummy from when they wake up until I leave at 6:30pm, working all night then being mummy all day until I crawl into bed at 9pm at night having not slept for 30+ hours. The juggle of being a good wife and trying not to lose my rag at Callum for something that isn’t his fault, but he looked at me so he’s getting it. The juggle of washing, ironing, hoovering, changing beds, changing nappies, mum guilt and the tiny slither of self care I attempt to make myself feel better.

Everyone says it gets easier, but I know what that means. It will get easier with time. Time that passes. Meaning I’m getting older, my babies get bigger and I’m just not ready for that part of my future yet.

I need to embrace the lack of hair washes, the bogies on my shoulder, the red bull for my lunch, the filthy windows covered in tiny hand prints and the living room rug thats flattened by a playmat and engrained with all sorts of food.

Yes, some days are shit. Some days I can’t believe it’s 11am cause I’ve been greeting three times and I’ve had 5 meals. Some days are harder than others but some days are amazing. Some days I hear kerr say something he’s never said before, some days I see Alba bum shuffle further than she ever has and some days I watch them interact and wonder how on earth did I get so lucky.

Their bond is like no other. He can’t go by her without giving her a kiss, she can’t stop staring and tracking him and their wee screaming language they have with each other could deafen you but it’s adorable. They are meant to be so close in age, they are meant to have each other and grow up knowing they will never be alone. They already fight, they are 2 and 9 months old, I shouldn’t laugh but it’s hilarious. It’s amazing, but it’s so hard.

I desperately say I need a break but feel like I can’t be away from them. I desperately want to shower without a toddler sitting on the bath mat or stripping to come in with me. I want to pee without a baby crying for mummy because I’ve left the room. But the split second I get to do those things it’s too quiet. I like the busyness of my house, the noise and the fear of walking into a room you’ve been out of for two minutes because you don’t know what you’ll find.

I can’t remember my life before my babies. I honestly don’t know what I done with so much free time. But for this part of my life, it starts at 5am with shut eye at god knows when. I would love for more sleep, more money and more chill time. The reality is, all of that will come back within a blink of an eye and I’ll be writing another blog about how quick time goes!

So what is this blog about? It’s about honesty, being realistic. I love my babies more than anything in this world and I would die for them, but I am also shattered. It’s hard having young kids and I hope I don’t come across as a bad mum for admitting that. Maybe I am? I’m more hoping that other mums that can relate?